The Immature ADHD Brain

When my son was born ten weeks premature, one day shy of 30 weeks gestation, we learned many things about preemies. One of the most lasting is that those weeks when he should have still been in my belly, rather than an isolette in the NICU hooked up stabbed with IVs and hooked up to monitors did not count in his development. 

So when we took him home, he was not six and half weeks old but rather thirty six weeks gestation. We were to monitor his growth and development compared to other babies by his due date, not his birth date. The take away was there was a lot, and I mean a lot more time of newbornness. And not the good, cute cuddly kind with giggles and smiles. Our son did not smile until he was almost four months old which was right on track developmentally. But wow - those newborn days felt endless.

Fast forward, twelve years, that sweet newborn is now a wonderfully empathetic and smart kid who also has ADHD. There are many need-to-knows and lessons for parents of kids with ADHD. The one that is the hardest for me is that these kids are developmentally about three years behind neuroptypical kids their age. Just think of the kiddo who can’t sit still in class when the others can, who blurts out instead of raising his hand or plays a little too hard on the playground. Before my son was diagnosed, I could see it most vividly when he played with peers, missing social cues and blurting out non sequiturs oblivious to the reactions around him.

So my expectations for my twelve year old size boy need to be reigned in. He cannot be expected to have the executive function and impulse control of his friends, or even the social skills. Instead, we, as in me and my husband, need to remind ourselves that we can only expect him to perform like a nine year old. So like a third grader with the school expectations of a sixth grader.

This. Is. Not. Easy.

At least when he was a preemie, he looked like his developmental age. I could pass him off as the age based on his due date and it wasn’t like he had a gaggle of friends, sports or school work for comparison. When he was a preemie, I could join the mom’s group for his due date month rather than his birth month. But when he is in sixth grade, I can’t exactly sign him up for the nine-year-old soccer team or academically, tell his teacher that he is really three years younger so please don’t ask him to write the paper assigned to the entire class. So how do I not have the same expectations for him as his peers? 

I wish I could offer an easy answer. In our most recent podcast episode, ADHD coach, Leslie Josel, tells us that you have to meet your child with where they are at. So in this case, I need to slow it down when I see his almost teen-age body and get frustrated that he once again jumped onto Roblox when pinky promising, for-real this time that he would not. I need to remind myself that I am not talking to the almost 13 teen-year-old, but to a growing ten year old brain. That ten year old lacks the impulse control to stick with his promise to stay off Roblox. It’s up to me to build the structure and guard rails to help him. 

Again, it’s not easy. But we do it, day by day the best we can, giving ourselves grace for the ugly moments and celebrating when he and I get it right.